Last December, I applied for an internship in Savannah, Georgia. It was an internship for the first six months in SAV and Snowmass, Colorado for the second half of the year. After I got back from my internship in Florida, I knew that I wanted to go back and there was nothing I wanted more. I asked for signs, prayed and wished that He would lead me to the right place, and if I got qualified, I knew I was destined to go back.
And I did. I got in.
So if you may ask me, why am I still here? Yes, I got the sign. I got what I initially wanted, but I turned it down. Why? It was because I knew God knows that I wanted it so bad for only one reason. Since I asked for it, even if it wasn’t meant to be, He gave it to me so I’d feel satisfied.
Have you ever thought why God gives you something that isn’t meant to last? Trust me when I say I learned it the hard way: He would give it to you because He knows how much you wanted it, more so if you earned it yourself. He would give it to you because He knows it would make you feel satisfied, even for just a bit. Even if He knows it would hurt much more when He tries to take it away again from you because He has better plans. He gives you something that isn’t meant to be with an expiration date, because He knows that you’d take it even if it comes with a bittersweet ending. You’d take it because you know it’s worth the pain that comes with it. But He gives it to you because He knows you’d come out strong after it, and He knows it would teach you something. He loves you so much to leave you that way, but you’d rise from it, eventually. He gives you all these just so you could appreciate what’s truly for you; and what’s meant to be yours.
It was hard to type “Sorry, sir. But my parents did not allow me to push through with this internship anymore.” through text, and we all know it’s a lie. What more if it was a call— I’d probably stutter the whole time and maybe hit redial to change my decision after five minutes or less. I thought about it for days. I prayed, hoped that it would be the right decision, that even if God let me and gave me this internship (that out of 25-30 applicants, it was just 4 of us who were qualified— yes, thanks, I heard an applause. Kidding) because He knew how it would make me happy. In the long run, where would I pick myself up again when I get back from it? An internship isn’t a guarantee that the host company would absorb you in their team. They needed an intern because they only need a helping hand in the peak season. They wouldn’t make me a regular because they would pay me so much more, sponsor me and fix my papers, etc. Why get me when they could get a local with less hassle? After all, I wasn’t after working for someone. I don’t see myself working for a hotel or resort. I see myself working and building my own dreams. I see myself as the owner and the boss, not someone else’s servant, and not building someone else’s dreams. I was just after one thing— and it was something that’s priceless, and I’ve never wanted something this bad, and that was the only reason why I wanted to go back.
I was longing for the times I could go out, munch on pizza any time I want, eat Ben and Jerry’s at 3 in the morning, drive miles because I wanted good company, buy drinks at Walmart just because the longest work hours happened to be during 4th of July, watch Netflix and sleep at 5 in the morning. I wanted so bad to escape my comfort zone, because let’s face it, nothing ever grows there. I must go out to see where I belong, where I needed to be.
So after thousands of prayers bombarded in heaven, my mom suddenly entered my room, waking me up and saying she booked me a flight to the US which was 3 weeks before my departure date. She knew I turned down an offer, and even if I got a “Do you want an internship in another hotel in SAV, and you’ll be staying there for a year?” text from this agency that I turned down for the second time, she knew I question myself if I made the right decision and the flight back to the US was answer to the questions in my head.
I flew alone. I flew where I only knew about 3-4 people in this state. Everything feels the same. I got to find myself, I got to answer a few questions. One of them was just simply unrequited love- and it was good to suffice the other 439483375 questions I had in me.
Going back after my 3-week stay, I couldn’t help but still pray and say thank you. That even if it ended bittersweet, I got to say, “Hey, I gave you my all. I turned down 2 job opportunities, spent money and time to see you because I know you wouldn’t care even if I could have been a 7-hr drive away. I wanted you to feel that you were worth it. That you were worth the pain even if I know I’d lose you for the second time around, and God gave me this opportunity even it would hurt more because He knew how much I wanted this. He loves me so much to see myself get hurt again. But the ball is in your hands now. I can finally say, I’m done.”